It’s Saturday night, and my daughter is with her father for the weekend and my husband is out with his friends. My 20 year old self would’ve been itching to plan the night away at around noon time. Is this the start of many lonesome Saturday’s and is the true meaning of ‘adulting’? Who knows. Our tolerance for many things lowers once we start getting closer to the big 30. We some how start thinking that time is actually valuable and so are our decisions, plans and actions.
First off, today started off as the most sad and dreadful day. My grandfather passed away days before Thanksgiving last year and today was the day we buried his ashes. Somehow I’ve felt somber all day which is one of the reasons why I chose to stay behind when my husband asked if I wanted to join him. Now, this wasn’t my biological grandfather and I never met my real grandfather. I’m sure I’d have a lot more love and respect for my step-grandfather because he stepped up to the plate. (and also, my real grandfather was a prick and left my grandmother. Rest his soul.) My Step-father chose my grandmother when she already had five kids and raised them like his own. In the process they had two more kids. I can’t help but to feel so thankful for the big family my grandmother had. Because of them she is not alone during this time. It truly breaks my heart to see her sitting in my parents dining room alone watching TV or having to bounce from house to house to be taken care of. To not sleep in her bed every night. The same bed that she shared with the person she cared for all of her life.
While I’m here sappy eyed and depressed writing this I can’t help but to think of something. We spend a good chunk of our young lives (or our lives in general) looking for someone to spend time with, to live with, to love, and to care for. And for what? This person ends up getting ripped away from you unexpectedly. It is a dreadful thing to see and worse I can only imagine what it would feel like.
My question is, how do we avoid that? We can’t. It is impossible to escape love. It’s needed in our every day lives. The horrid feeling of loss is an emptyness that can’t be replaced so easily. How to cope with a loss of a loved one. The one we have called “the one” all our lives? Of course, this is a fresh wound for my grandmother and I can hear it in her voice when she talks about my grandfather.
Pulling up to the cemetery today I told myself that everything was ok and that I was going to keep it together. The real pain of watching my grandfather still and ‘asleep’ in his casket in November brought out all the tears and different emotions out of me for a good two weeks following the ceremony. But I was wrong today, although I didn’t physically see my grandfather again all those emotions came back and I couldn’t control my tears much longer. It made me even more sad that my whole family wasn’t there. The surviving six kids. Only four were able to attend and a total of two grandkids out of the countless that he has and one great grandchild present. This was the moment that he would become one with the Earth and yet there were people choosing to stay where they were. Away.
With time comes healing. I’m more afraid now more than ever for the health of my last surviving grandmother. One thing everyone close to her told me as they exited the funeral that November was, “take care of your grandmother”. And it left me thinking. She just lost the person she grew with. It will only be a matter of time till her little heart will finish breaking and I don’t know how I will be able to function for a while after.
There is nothing left more to say but to love the ones you are close to. Don’t take any moment with them for granted and live with all your might. And as for your grandparents visit them often or just a simple call if they’re no where near where you live.
After all, we are unable to flee the inevitable grave. Let’s make it a good life.
With this being said. How would you like to be remembered and what would you want your significant other to know as you reached the gates of heaven?