Baby

Have you ever wanted something so badly and was told “No” or it was just out of the “plan”?

My mother had my sister and I before turning 25 and I have such a hard time thinking about my mom at my age (27) raising a little Laura and Monica. She had a shitty job but regardless she had her shit together because at that time my father and mother had already purchased their first home. (The one they live at to this day)

I can’t help but to compare all the things I’ve accomplished to my mother’s life. I live at an apt with my seven year old and husband. I have an ok job for someone my age who does NOT have a Bachelor’s degree. My decisions sometimes aren’t the best when it comes to money but I can truly say I love the things that I own. I’ve mentioned before in one of my blogs that I’m high maintenance and that lifestyle has been somewhat expensive to live.

My parents don’t have degrees and dropped out of college in their early 20s. They’re making it work, they’ve been working it. Every year my father takes my mother out on really nice trips out of the country and he’s been doing that since my sister and I were very young.

They’ve been doing great from what I saw and they did it at the same age I currently am.

I mentioned above that I have an ok job and my “lavish” lifestyle is costly but am I truly happy or am I just using that to void something else?

There is nothing more disappointing and saddening than hoping for the two red lines on a stupid pregnancy test. The longest 3 minutes to wait for a stick you just peed on to hold your future.

Another thing is hoping your SO is just as excited as you are to want to be parents again. To experience a new life growing and learning before your eyes.

I hate thinking about my age and how my mother had completed her family at 25 when I’m 27 struggling to have baby number 2.

I tell myself that I want this baby to be done “right”. To have my degree, my dream home, married under the eyes of God and a great career. HONESTLY, WHO CARES!? Everything will play itself out and you may call it careless but I know we can make it work.

Who knows, when I have the true responsibility of having a large family my lavish lifestyle will be out the window trying to provide for the family I’ve been wanting.

I want this baby. Heck, I want three more of them. I want to come to work tired and a blazer full of vomit. I’ve been wanting this life.

Is this just baby fever or have you ever wanted something this bad?

-L

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