Are You Ok?

As I lie in bed with a shirt drenched of tears and snot I hug a gifted stuffed bear with a pink turtleneck. I start to think of the frequent events that brought me down to this low. Pity and self-loathing is all that’s been accomplished. The last four month has felt like a violent shake, a never ending frightening ride. My relationships all around have been so poor. The best friend that claims is my best friend has fallen off the face of the Earth. I cannot blame her for wanting to get her life in check. But here I am, in need and once in pain. Does that make me a selfish person? I don’t dare to bore her with my drama much longer. The relationship I’ve had with my sister has always been strange and strained. Sometimes I can’t help but to feel alone. I like to push people out of my life only because I know I’m constantly being judged and misread.

You see my life is nothing but ordinary. It’s filled with everything you can think of. Betrayal, drama, affairs, failure, death, and pain.

I can tell you that I’m not perfect but I’m far from it too. I’m a rebel, I’m a hard head, I’m gullible and I have no plan for the things I do. I do not care of the consequences while in the moment. And that’s the biggest issue as to why I’m feeling this way.

Somehow every time I’m asked if I need help I see it as an all time low. Am I that obvious that you need to extend your hand to pull me out of the hole I trapped myself in? And because of my pride I say no. I say that I’m ok. I can take care of myself. We’re all human and we make mistakes. Some more than others but nonetheless mistakes are made whether we have control of them or not. Failure is common in my life, almost inevitable. I have stopped making a big thing out of lately and began to embrace it. I have changed my mind way too many times and it’s got me where I’m at right now. I am not the person I envisioned when asked in grade school, “Where do you think you will be in 10 years?” Not crying on my shirt as an adult that’s for sure.

So If I tell you I’m fine, I mean it. It’s not a lie. I’ve got some things to battle, but I know I can defeat them. This isn’t my first time in the ring. I’m independent and I’m strong. This is how it will be from now on.

-L

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