Fail

This part of my life is called, Failure.

And whilst I’m currently four months pregnant I’m more than happy and ecstatic to meet my baby boy. He was planned in my eyes and loved oh so much already.

Life has been hitting hard lately and it’s affecting me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Work is good and I get paid good money for someone who doesn’t have a degree but I’m struggling financially now more than ever.

It is true the more you make the more you spend.

We got comfortable with the previous income my husband made and now we’re drowning. I feel so terrible that every time he gets paid it’s to cover my expenses on my credit cards.

This morning, I woke up at 2am taking pictures of my Nikon camera and Sony Wireless Headphones to post them on Craigslist. That’s how bad this has gotten, I lose sleep trying to tally all of my expenses and what I can cover using my next paycheck. It truly does suck living paycheck to paycheck.

My daughter, AJ always tells me she wants to live in a nice big house but I honestly don’t think we can afford one any time soon. This might sound dumb but it hurts my pride to ask for financial help from my parents.
As a married woman and mother I’m expected to have my shit together and to know how to balance my spending. But I don’t.

Another part of my life I’m suffering in is the relationship with my daughter. I’ve learned the strict ways my father was with my sister and I (mostly with me) and it just caught on when trying to parent AJ.
It doesn’t help that her father and I are separated and she doesn’t have a constant steady way of being disciplined or taught. If that even made sense.

She is doing really bad in school and I thought to myself this morning, “What am I doing wrong?” “How do I help her get better at these subjects?” I’m the one failing. As a parent we want the best for our children and it truly hurts me seeing her have so much trouble.

I don’t recall how I got into the topic with my co-worker (a true mentor of mine for a while now) about AJ’s studies but she made me realize a few things.

  1. I’m a terrible mother. Instead of praising AJ for the small accomplishments or achievements she’s made I’ve just scolded her and yelled at her for not doing better. I can see why she hates me. She prefers to be with her father or my parents because they’re not on her 24/7. She’s free from everything including her always angry mother. That’s not how I want her to remember me.
  2. Make learning fun. A kid is a kid and they’re distracted ALL the time. By teaching our kids that learning can be fun not only will they see it as a game but they’ll learn and in the process enjoy it.
  3. I keep promising her anything she wants if and when I see improvements. Honestly, suprising her with a new book or a new doll will lift her spirits and then she will realize that I’m seeing her try.

I can’t help but to think, I am the one at fault for making her this way. There are times when I get out of work so exhausted and when she doesn’t do well in her homework I snap at her right away. It honestly isn’t fair to her and I feel so guilty.

It’s so funny how when we’re younger we aspire to be just like mommy carrying a baby doll and wearing her heels but little do we know it’s the hardest thing to do. There aren’t enough hours to be a full time employee and full time mother. The time spent with our little ones is short and we take it for granted.

Is that why grandparents love their grandchildren more than their children? They actually have the time and the money to do stuff with a mini version of their kids, the time lost with us is precious time with them.

I vow to be a great mother, daugher, sister and wife.

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